09Dec2010

Go To Hell! Go To Hell!

When I first heard that Sammy Seller and Betty Buyer wanted to serenade each other in this holiday season column, gladness filled my heart. But, alas, I should have known better. Okay. Key of G. Imagine Bing Crosby singing this along with you. Belt it out, with full holiday spirit. And, gentle reader, Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, etc., etc. and etc.

“GO TO HELL! GO TO HELL!
To the tune of ‘Silver Bells!’
Crazy slotting , obscene slotting Dressed in larcenous smiles In the air, there’s a feeling of rip-off. Fees are baffling! Endcaps raffling! “Private label’s on fire!” And in ev’ry office you hear… “Go to hell! Go to hell!” It’s selling time at The Big Store, Ding-a-ling, price is king Too bad no buyer will pay!

Smiling Sammy, cheerful Sammy With your holiday smile! Can you e-ver stop your Complaining? Record profit And a stock split Mean you’re doing just fine! And in ev’ry office you hear… “Go to hell! Go to hell!” It’s buying time at The Big Store, Please get real. Shut up and deal! Soon it will be De-List Day!

Darling Betty, partner Betty, Soak your head in eg g nog , In the air, there’s a feeling of murder! Rat-a-tat-tat! Goes your SKU rat. Gawd, your shelves are a bore! And in ev’ry office you he ar… “Go to hell! Go to hell! ” It’s selling time at The Big Store. Ding-a-ling, You’re stealing! Soon it will be Rip-Off Day!

Slimy Sammy, partner Sammy You’ve got ninety new SK Us! In the air, there’s a feeling of No research! Tell you one thing, You’ll pay slotting Or I’ll show you the door! And in ev’ry office you hear… “Go to hell! Go to hell!” It’s buying time at The Big Store. Ding-a-ling! To SK Us failing ! Soon it will be De-List Day!